I remember an old chap I used to watch on T.V. when I was a kid who ranted about everything in his life. He typically began his rant of the night with the words, "You know what really grinds my gears?" His combination of New York accent and pink, vodka drunk looking face was enough to stick in my mind all these years.
So last night I was dragged to another torture session that some call the "romantic comedy". Yes, you know what I'm talking about. That same, used, over done plot and storyline which has a real life probability of ZERO of ever actually happening... This particular water boarding session was called, Confessions of a Shopaholic. I must say that as bad as this movie was I have become a little numb to this needle in my eye movie genre.
What was possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life set every other movie up to only be better. Yes, 27 dresses threw me face down into the rock bottom of horrible movie abyss so much so that a movie such as Confessions of a Shopacholic seem halfway bearable...halfway being key word.
So there I was, sitting at the very top row as I normally do with my otherwise beautiful and lovely fiancee when the worst thing that could possibly happen at the movies occurs. Yes, this is what really grinds my gears. First, I hear the distant chatter growing louder and louder. Then the stampede grows nearer. I become nervous.
Then, much to my horror down in the entrance to the movies emerges a group of at least 20..TWENTY tween girls. If movie seats were designed with ejection buttons I would have rocketed out of that place in such a way that would have made Coco the space chimp cry. But as many horror stories goes...this one only got better.
The flock of loud, screaming tweens literally leaped and skipped their way up the stairs, up, up, and as the nightmare became real...they took up the ENTIRE row right in front of where I was sitting! There were so many of them they took up half the row in front of that one as well. My popcorn bag went to the ground as I my stomach quickly turned into a speed cycle washing machine.
I remember the Zoo from when I was a kid. It was so much fun observing all the animals, especially the tigers. They were my favorite. A day at the zoo with my parents was always a guaranteed good time. Flash forward to 2009, this particular Zoo unfolding infront of me was becoming more like a safari from hell by the minute. They were loud, they jumped over seats and swapped places around like a mad, drug induced game of musical chairs. As bad as all that was in the back of my mind I knew what was inevitable. And in fact, it had already begun before the previews even came on.
First I saw one of the tween girls on the end of the row flip open her sidekick looking phone and begin texting. Then another, and another. No big deal, the movie hasn't started and I was being amused by the people 3 rows in front of me SHUSHING the girls over and over....to no avail. But then the previews started...the texting took a temporary hiatus. Good, I thought. These are nice girls.
Famous last words. In the world of bored tweens there is no nice, or consideration, or feelings....only THEM and the fact that they are BORED, DAMMIT! The movie started and 15 minutes in I saw this romantic comedy as another bomb that would fail to burst. Apparently so did the tweens. It started with one bright glow, then another...and another! Next thing I know it seemed as if the entire row in front of me was radio active.
Let me point out here that I am the most chill person you will ever meet. It takes alot to get me worked up and angry. I am more capable than most at not getting angry at situations and dealing with them with words and actions that don't involve threats or public dispalys of machoism. To that extent I always attempt to give people that window of doubt where if they are doing something annoying or wrong I will give them the opportunity to correct themselves before I politely interject.
So I swallowed this horse pill that was tween texting for a good 30 minutes. It did not stop once. The movie of course became such a winner that when the girls got bored of texting they turned to playing random games on their phones! What the hell?? Just leave! Of course that wouldn't have been any fun, now would it?
Eventually I lean over and ask the one directly infront of me if she could stop texting as the glow was bothering me. As she shut her phone I thought word would spread to the other little demons....but no. In fact, that same girl after about 10 minutes opened her phone back up and continued texting. This time I didn't wait. "If you want to text go outside, that glow is really distracting." I said to her again. This time, one of the girls on the end decided she would give me the shush!! Oh, its on now.
When the herd of tweens first walked in I noticed a set of wild eyed parents with a "just kill me now" look on their faces walking in tow. I also noticed where they sat....towards the front of the theater. I made my way down to ole mom and pop, kneeled down in the aisle and explained what happened. I got more than I bargained for as a clearly "I've had enough of this" mom leaped up, apologized and made her way up the movie stairs towards the stunned row of tweens like an ape on the hunt.
I darted up the stairs trying to get infront of the mom on the rampage so I could get back to my seat before the lecture started. Little did I know what would develop. The mom began yelling..YELLING at the girls in the middle of the theater about how they were on thin ice, and blah, blah, blah... My shock was mixed with total amusement.
Then, the inevitable happened. The row of people in front of the tweens turned around and told the mom to shut up!! The mom turned around with this "Oh, no you didn't" look, complete with index finger waving in the air and everything! By this time my bag of popcorn was back in my hands.
The mom begins to argue with the people who told her to shut up. The girls begin to argue amongst themselves. A group continue their texts...totally oblivious to what is going on. In the distance I can see the dad coming up the stairs. "These people told me to shut up!" She tells her husband.... who I really felt bad for seeing as how he had to live with this brood. He begins to talk to the row of people, they shout back. The people in the side rows, or as I call them the movie theater's arm pit, begin to yell for everybody to shut up. The mom finally loses it and threatens to leave if all the girls didn't settle down. PLEASE, I thought....LEAVE! A girl shoots up from her seat right in front of me...." I'm leaving!" She proclaims. "Its too hot in here anyway." The girl next to ther also gets up, "I'm leaving to!" Both girls trip and stumble their way out of the row into the aisle. As they do this the mom begins to make her way across the row to intercept them.
Then the best example of poetic justice known to man happens. One of the "I"m leaving" girls drops her phone on the stairs. As she leans over to try to find it one of the girls on the very end of the row stands up and says that she is feeling sick! I had to pinch myself to make sure all of this was actually happening. "Sit back down in your seat!" the mom tells the sick girl. "I can't find my phone!" The other girl yells. "Good!" I shout..which opened up pandora's box apparently as the entire theater turned into mad animals. Yells, turned to threats. A woman got up from one of the side rows and made her way over to the mom to confront her directly. As she did this I observed what I will call the greatest thing ever. The girl who had tried to say she was sick leaned over and barfed all over this woman's pants and shoes!
Holy crap! Now what? The mom looked stunned. The woman was freaking out. The girl who had puked was bawling her eyes out. I knew what would come. I turned my head in what seemed to be slow motion as I sensed what was about to occur. Just then another girl on the other side of me from the row in front lurched forward in a bizzare display of human flexibility and....you guessed it: PUKED all over the row in front of her!!! Before I had time to figure out if I wanted to puke myself; another girl got sick!!! I observed a single cell phone fly through the air, half finished text on the screen. Then one of the women who had been part of the original shusher crew got up and I noticed she was covered in chunky, creamy corn. She began to run out, only got halfway and.....PUKED!!! By this time the entire movie house was in a panic and everybody got up and started shoving their way out of the burning theater.
I can only imagine what this scene must have looked like for the poor teenage movie employee who happened to be standing outside the teater door as the panicked crowd burst out the doors in mayhem. I think the poor kid was almost trampled by all the people trying to get out...I'm almost certain I saw a shoeprint on the fellow's chest. Being that I was on the very top row, of course I was one of the last to get out along with my fiancee. On my way out I passed a police officer, you know the ones that work off duty at theaters, and he asked me what the hell was going on..... "I think somebody is sick in there" I said in the most innocent way possible..."and there might have been a fight." He ran in, I ran out. My fiancee was turning green. How the movie concluded? Who cares? The refund I received for the movie was only the icing on the cake of what turned out to be the most amusing and entertaining night at the movies I have ever experienced.
So what is the lesson?? Don't text in the movies!! Yes, we can see the glow from your phone!!
So last night I was dragged to another torture session that some call the "romantic comedy". Yes, you know what I'm talking about. That same, used, over done plot and storyline which has a real life probability of ZERO of ever actually happening... This particular water boarding session was called, Confessions of a Shopaholic. I must say that as bad as this movie was I have become a little numb to this needle in my eye movie genre.
What was possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life set every other movie up to only be better. Yes, 27 dresses threw me face down into the rock bottom of horrible movie abyss so much so that a movie such as Confessions of a Shopacholic seem halfway bearable...halfway being key word.
So there I was, sitting at the very top row as I normally do with my otherwise beautiful and lovely fiancee when the worst thing that could possibly happen at the movies occurs. Yes, this is what really grinds my gears. First, I hear the distant chatter growing louder and louder. Then the stampede grows nearer. I become nervous.
Then, much to my horror down in the entrance to the movies emerges a group of at least 20..TWENTY tween girls. If movie seats were designed with ejection buttons I would have rocketed out of that place in such a way that would have made Coco the space chimp cry. But as many horror stories goes...this one only got better.
The flock of loud, screaming tweens literally leaped and skipped their way up the stairs, up, up, and as the nightmare became real...they took up the ENTIRE row right in front of where I was sitting! There were so many of them they took up half the row in front of that one as well. My popcorn bag went to the ground as I my stomach quickly turned into a speed cycle washing machine.
I remember the Zoo from when I was a kid. It was so much fun observing all the animals, especially the tigers. They were my favorite. A day at the zoo with my parents was always a guaranteed good time. Flash forward to 2009, this particular Zoo unfolding infront of me was becoming more like a safari from hell by the minute. They were loud, they jumped over seats and swapped places around like a mad, drug induced game of musical chairs. As bad as all that was in the back of my mind I knew what was inevitable. And in fact, it had already begun before the previews even came on.
First I saw one of the tween girls on the end of the row flip open her sidekick looking phone and begin texting. Then another, and another. No big deal, the movie hasn't started and I was being amused by the people 3 rows in front of me SHUSHING the girls over and over....to no avail. But then the previews started...the texting took a temporary hiatus. Good, I thought. These are nice girls.
Famous last words. In the world of bored tweens there is no nice, or consideration, or feelings....only THEM and the fact that they are BORED, DAMMIT! The movie started and 15 minutes in I saw this romantic comedy as another bomb that would fail to burst. Apparently so did the tweens. It started with one bright glow, then another...and another! Next thing I know it seemed as if the entire row in front of me was radio active.
Let me point out here that I am the most chill person you will ever meet. It takes alot to get me worked up and angry. I am more capable than most at not getting angry at situations and dealing with them with words and actions that don't involve threats or public dispalys of machoism. To that extent I always attempt to give people that window of doubt where if they are doing something annoying or wrong I will give them the opportunity to correct themselves before I politely interject.
So I swallowed this horse pill that was tween texting for a good 30 minutes. It did not stop once. The movie of course became such a winner that when the girls got bored of texting they turned to playing random games on their phones! What the hell?? Just leave! Of course that wouldn't have been any fun, now would it?
Eventually I lean over and ask the one directly infront of me if she could stop texting as the glow was bothering me. As she shut her phone I thought word would spread to the other little demons....but no. In fact, that same girl after about 10 minutes opened her phone back up and continued texting. This time I didn't wait. "If you want to text go outside, that glow is really distracting." I said to her again. This time, one of the girls on the end decided she would give me the shush!! Oh, its on now.
When the herd of tweens first walked in I noticed a set of wild eyed parents with a "just kill me now" look on their faces walking in tow. I also noticed where they sat....towards the front of the theater. I made my way down to ole mom and pop, kneeled down in the aisle and explained what happened. I got more than I bargained for as a clearly "I've had enough of this" mom leaped up, apologized and made her way up the movie stairs towards the stunned row of tweens like an ape on the hunt.
I darted up the stairs trying to get infront of the mom on the rampage so I could get back to my seat before the lecture started. Little did I know what would develop. The mom began yelling..YELLING at the girls in the middle of the theater about how they were on thin ice, and blah, blah, blah... My shock was mixed with total amusement.
Then, the inevitable happened. The row of people in front of the tweens turned around and told the mom to shut up!! The mom turned around with this "Oh, no you didn't" look, complete with index finger waving in the air and everything! By this time my bag of popcorn was back in my hands.
The mom begins to argue with the people who told her to shut up. The girls begin to argue amongst themselves. A group continue their texts...totally oblivious to what is going on. In the distance I can see the dad coming up the stairs. "These people told me to shut up!" She tells her husband.... who I really felt bad for seeing as how he had to live with this brood. He begins to talk to the row of people, they shout back. The people in the side rows, or as I call them the movie theater's arm pit, begin to yell for everybody to shut up. The mom finally loses it and threatens to leave if all the girls didn't settle down. PLEASE, I thought....LEAVE! A girl shoots up from her seat right in front of me...." I'm leaving!" She proclaims. "Its too hot in here anyway." The girl next to ther also gets up, "I'm leaving to!" Both girls trip and stumble their way out of the row into the aisle. As they do this the mom begins to make her way across the row to intercept them.
Then the best example of poetic justice known to man happens. One of the "I"m leaving" girls drops her phone on the stairs. As she leans over to try to find it one of the girls on the very end of the row stands up and says that she is feeling sick! I had to pinch myself to make sure all of this was actually happening. "Sit back down in your seat!" the mom tells the sick girl. "I can't find my phone!" The other girl yells. "Good!" I shout..which opened up pandora's box apparently as the entire theater turned into mad animals. Yells, turned to threats. A woman got up from one of the side rows and made her way over to the mom to confront her directly. As she did this I observed what I will call the greatest thing ever. The girl who had tried to say she was sick leaned over and barfed all over this woman's pants and shoes!
Holy crap! Now what? The mom looked stunned. The woman was freaking out. The girl who had puked was bawling her eyes out. I knew what would come. I turned my head in what seemed to be slow motion as I sensed what was about to occur. Just then another girl on the other side of me from the row in front lurched forward in a bizzare display of human flexibility and....you guessed it: PUKED all over the row in front of her!!! Before I had time to figure out if I wanted to puke myself; another girl got sick!!! I observed a single cell phone fly through the air, half finished text on the screen. Then one of the women who had been part of the original shusher crew got up and I noticed she was covered in chunky, creamy corn. She began to run out, only got halfway and.....PUKED!!! By this time the entire movie house was in a panic and everybody got up and started shoving their way out of the burning theater.
I can only imagine what this scene must have looked like for the poor teenage movie employee who happened to be standing outside the teater door as the panicked crowd burst out the doors in mayhem. I think the poor kid was almost trampled by all the people trying to get out...I'm almost certain I saw a shoeprint on the fellow's chest. Being that I was on the very top row, of course I was one of the last to get out along with my fiancee. On my way out I passed a police officer, you know the ones that work off duty at theaters, and he asked me what the hell was going on..... "I think somebody is sick in there" I said in the most innocent way possible..."and there might have been a fight." He ran in, I ran out. My fiancee was turning green. How the movie concluded? Who cares? The refund I received for the movie was only the icing on the cake of what turned out to be the most amusing and entertaining night at the movies I have ever experienced.
So what is the lesson?? Don't text in the movies!! Yes, we can see the glow from your phone!!
